Raising Princesses, Marrying Queens and Empresses Part 3
By N Oji Mzilikazi
June 14, 2012
(Originally published in the Montreal Community Contact Volume 22, Number 11)
Be a cook in the kitchen, a lady in the streets
you can’t show your teeth to every guy you meet,
it’s alright to be a little sweet,
but be a model with the kids
and you know what in the sheets
– “No Pain No Gain”
Women have always been the strength and backbone of the family – most organizations – the society. Women do not shy away from boring or grunt work, if that’s what it takes to put food on the table. Women are known to uproot their life in the cause of love, and to give their all. Women have unbelievable strength, patience and fortitude, not to mention powers to stir the emotions and loins.
A cardinal masculine truth is females are never respected, valued or cherished if lacking dignity. There is no dignity without self-respect, uprightness of character, and upholding elevated standards of conduct and behaviour. As such, conscious women embody modesty, carry themselves with dignity, do not play games with their integrity, do not play fast and loose with their sexuality or make themselves sexual objects of disrespect.
The non-stop bombardment of sexual imagery and glossy, air-brushed, counterfeit sexuality, the freedoms afforded by social media, and the pursuit of celebrity and notoriety status are blinding females from seeing themselves as upholders of morality, guardians of righteousness, strong, intelligent, self-confident, having dignity, deserving respect and worthy of respect.
Without principled female role models, young girls are maturing with a defective understanding of what constitutes empowered femininity, and little to no concept of modesty, decency or inner beauty. They cannot grasp that the true test of beauty and sexual attractiveness is turning heads without wearing the racy or exposing cleavage, breasts, butts, or inordinate amount of skin.
They cannot associate sexy to stateliness. Their focus is on the culture of superficial attractiveness; surface beauty, looks, appearances, turning heads, revealing skin, pampering themselves, and shopping for the sake of shopping.
In lacking self-respect, having no sense of worth, no sense of honour and no sense of shame, they are primed to be predators, to exploit themselves, as well as victimized and exploited by others. Is that what we want for our daughters, sisters, granddaughters or nieces?
Just earlier this month, two 15-year-old girls in Ottawa were arrested and charged with “human trafficking, robbery, procuring for prostitution, forcible confinement, sexual assault, assault, uttering threats and abduction.” Police are looking for a third female suspect, a 17-year old.
Using social media, the trio lured girls ranging from 13 to 17 years of age to a city residence and forced them into prostitution with adult males. Police said there is no evidence of gang involvement. The three girls acted alone.
While it’s fashionable to lay blame at the feet of parents over things like those – and some are indeed culpable, it’s but a strategy of distraction.
Business conglomerates and American cultural imperialism is at the heart of the sexualisation of culture, consumerism, the war against the family and the dysfunction that besets us all. It is their manipulation, promotion and advertising – recruiting pop idols and celebrities to sell opulence, decadence, the vapid and swagger that have the young confused, hoodwinked; possession driven, fantasy driven, embracing socially irresponsible attitudes and dismissive of education.
Ignorance makes it impossible to push back. At the same they have governments building super prisons – cities of confinement to warehouse the fallout of outsourcing, globalization, and unemployment.
Extrication from having our souls permanently stolen requires three things; we change our thinking, we empower our daughters – girls, and males must step up to the plate.
With all due respect to single mothers: successes as a single parent and the successes of Black males socialised in matrifocal households do not negate the overall negatives that go hand in hand with solitary parenting.
Given the high rate of incarceration amongst Black males, the huge numbers of Black youths that are clients of social services, the juvenile justice system and the criminal justice system, and the even higher rate of Black youths with behavioural problems, and clearly, women for the most part, are not doing a good job raising children alone. Superwoman has always been a fantasy character. Having to be mother, father and everything else drains and psychologically impairs.
Deliberately getting pregnant to raise children; have a family, and without the agreement, planned involvement and participation of the father – to wear “baby mother” with pride is irresponsible and asinine to say the least.
When you make/have a child, it’s not just for your personal pleasure. Babies don’t stay small for long. That child will eventually interact with the rest of the world. The quality of their socialization determines how well they swim. Prisons and the street are filled with formerly cute, handsome, and designer attired babies.
Claims that financially independence eliminates a woman from needing a man to raise a child are hogwash. It goes against our wiring.
Humans are social animals. Humans need companionship and that sense of belonging. Humans need to feel needed, wanted and loved. Unless wired to the same sex, man needs woman, and woman needs man. Men and women are psychologically codependent. Children need both parents for wholesome development.
If you want to have children – get married or cohabitate. But first choose the right mate. Don’t risk putting your child in the trajectory of self-destruction. Remember the adage, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”
At the root of every bitter woman stands a male. For that reason, as well as the penchant for males to pick up and discard women, women are quick to call men dogs. But dogs are a man’s best friend. Dogs love unconditionally. Even in the face of abuse, dogs run to greet their owners.
Women forget that dogs can be trained. Men were once boys. Women give birth to boys. The only way the cycle of female abuse and disrespect can begin to be broken is by women training boy children on how to respect them, and by extension all women. Behaviour is learnt.
Though female self-sufficiency is very common among people of African descent and huge numbers of Black women are gainfully employed, upwardly mobile, have attended, are attending colleges, universities and outstripping Black males in achievement, their self-esteem and sense of self is still precarious. The reflection of Black women in our culture is woeful, so validation for many is non-existent.
Television does not present multidimensional Black female characters. They still adhere to some of the old stereotypes. Black females aren’t given roles as heroines. They aren’t allowed to exude sexuality, or have guys including those from other ethnicities vying for her affection. Often, they are made to look unattractive next to their white counterparts.
The white template of beauty and attractiveness isn’t us. We need to embrace ourselves and don’t think our nose, lips, butt, skin and hair need fixing. There is no reason for the Black female to be weaved out – and supporting a billion dollar hair and skin bleaching industry that target Blacks, but does not profit Blacks.
We need to let our daughter(s) know she is loved, she is beautiful, and she is precious and valued. That dignity, strength of character, sexual integrity, education, knowledge, intelligence, upholding principles, going to church or being religious are noble. And we need to constantly feed her with it, and continue to do so even after it resonate in every fibre of her being. Our daughters need to be fearless – warrior princesses, if they have to stand their ground, and keep their place and space under the sun.